me:  hello?

anyway, you will send me something to make me feel better than all of the dep wine in the world or dep.

if we're only here to be happy, doesn't that make happiness seem a bit ridiculous? how're you supposed to enjoy happiness? 

Morty:  david, hello! trying to impersonate the uncle on seinfeld. i was going to send you an email telling you that i walked by a homeless person eating a burger in front of dick's (you loved that place!), and i guess i was staring too long, which i do sometimes, and he said, "what, you've never seen a homeless man eat his breakfast before?" anyway, i just kept walking but felt that i should tell you about it. you and i do talk about the homeless a lot

me:  good, this is nice. so it seems like it's other people or something which makes life better. (and, incidentally--yes--I in fact have seen a homeless man eating a bag of dicks)

wait! get someone else to read you that last line

it can't be read!

as in "red"

well, oh, shit.

Morty:  are you drunk? it's ok if you're drunk 

me:  I finished off last night's wine this morning, but, no, not drunk

Morty:  aww

me:  If I were drunk, would I be able driving a car right now?

I took my logic 

Morty:  last night's wine is the album title

no driving!

me:  oh, I had a good title the other day! all I write down now are the next album titles

can we talk about your rape here?

Morty:  me too

me:  is that ok to put online?

Morty:  oh that's unfair!

now i’ve been flagged

me:  I don't want to get you in trouble or nuthin

oh no!

Morty:  as long as we can talk about your rape too

me:  let's talk about each other's friend's respective rapes

Morty:  our rape

yes, yes, i agree

me:  I never agreed to share that with you

Morty:  well, you can never tell with rape

me:  is this like improv or can I just stop this now?

Morty:  can stop anytime

me:  sometimes I remember that if you stop trying it doesn't matter. then it gets bad

me:  I wrote this joke about listing things that aren't funny. Then I list things. And then I say that it was in some way a rape joke.

Morty:  i like it!

me:  oh the album title:

It's ok to enjoy yourself


also, for a tour, I was thinking: Fat Love Hope

Morty:  you've no business using the word fat! but it works

me:  or love or hope, really

thanks! I think it's a weirdo title and people won't know what to take from it

Morty:  it hits all the demographics

me:  do you want a partner or do you want to be single?

Morty:  haha. what the hell kind of question is this?

is dying alone an option?

me:  first, dying alone isn't an option. we all die alone

Morty:  i know!

me:  second!

it's a question that's come up from having an apartment to myself for two weeks and no shows in this city

Morty:  did you order a wife for me for christmas?

me:  a rental. she'll only offer affection, though. it's nothing sexual

Morty:  boo

you suck at presents!

me:  I kind of had this realization that what a comic does is go out every night and look for love and confirmation and recognition, when most people just get that de facto by walking in their front door every night

so, my point is, why not just get that de facto?

Morty:  god that's a horrible thought

me:  plus, you don't even know these people

what do you care what they think? you think anyone really cares what they think? you think they care what you think?

I've got three more rhetorical questions to complete my treatise

Morty:  please stop

me:  hahaha

why exactly?

Morty:  i don't know


because of the truth this idea holds?

Morty:  fucking make me watch a video

me:  haha

I was typing--I think this is the new form: I think that we're bringing back the dialogue. dialectic, Socratic method, everything

feel it

Morty:  hey, shut up! i'm trying to listen to this song

me:  can I post this on my site as some sort of -- haha -- as if it's a piece or something? I'll redact your name or change it to a similar name

Morty:  enh, this song is only ok. it works in the movie ghost, but i don't know

this conversation?

me:  It's sort of, like, giving me something to put into the world under the guise of being a comic, without having really done anything


but it would be for art and David's sake



Morty:  i don't know, i can't have my name appearing next to word rape in google searches, not again at least

me:  look! that never went so far!

it almost looks as if Elvis is jerking off two dicks at the piano kind of

Morty:  haha. fat elvis

me:  have you seen that video where fat elvis dies on top of Lenny Bruce?

Morty:  link?

me:  uuhhh....

Morty:  let's have it!

me:  I'll type it in!

Morty:  k

me:  nah, not funny enough

Morty:  i agree

me:  oh, George Carlin comes up

not funny enough

Morty:  so predictable

me:  haha

Morty:  no accusation of rape, though

me:  and what's a chained melody, you know?

that's what they were saying about Cosby

Morty:  good point

well, carlin's dead. he's got that

me:  right, like that Jimmy Saville guy

I thought that when all those hundreds of allegations came out after his death, it was a chilling lesson for anyone who hadn't committed any sexual improprieties

you miss 100% of the shots you never take

Morty:  let me look up jimmy saville fucking hell

me:  just don't send me a link

Morty:  fucking wikipedia with their fucking fundraising

oh i remember that guy


haha. to your earlier joke

me:  thanks

Morty:  99 percent of life is showing up

me:  is there tax on this?

Morty:  i don't know. ask woody, that's where i heard that line

me:  wait, but you never responded to my comment about comics are just looking for love

you just said it was a horrible thing to say and then moved on

Morty:  yes, david, i am looking for love. jesus christ

me:  hard to type you're laughing when doing that clapping laughing

but your work isn't looking for love

Morty:  yes it is!

me:  and it's not a gamble every night

Morty:  many lines of work are seeking attention, and yes it is a gamble every time, but in a different form

me:  right. I guess the idea's to have happiness elsewhere

Morty:  yes, otherwise you put too much weight on the career thing, and then if that doesn't work out, you're fucked

see: every comic who's died

me:  ergch.

Morty:  yes, well

me:  but some died with loved ones

Morty:  some

me:  but not many?

Morty:  williams did

me:  is that a terrible joke?

Morty:  even hedberg, technically. had a wife

me:  oh, you mean died prematurely?

Morty:  no, i meant he had love in his life or something, but still destroyed himself

not sure what the joke is

me:  right, right

Morty:  now that i think about, i'm not sure how love play in

me:  ?

that was half a heart

Morty:  ah! i'm lost now in this conversation. we should be on the phone

me:  I don't know. I like this

Morty:  this is fine

i'm saying that perhaps finding love doesn't always help comics survive

me:  wait--so your sort of starting out position is that comics are in terrible places?

Morty:  not all. i always think of famous ones, but there are plenty who this doesn't apply to really, like seinfeld, gaffigan, regan, etc.

me:  right. as a side note, I don't like any of those comics

Morty:  so predictable!

i knew that

i do

me:  I think I'm just starting to see the endpoint of being single. I think the older you get the less interesting it becomes

Morty:  who is she, heti? and when is the wedding?

me:  well, we broke up ten years ago. she's getting married next week

no, I have no idea

Morty:  aww

anyway, i don't disagree with anything you said

me:  ok

I mean, humans don't make much sense, and life doesn't make much sense, but, if human life, humans like other humans

me:  it's not unethical to be in a relationship, is it?

Morty:  what? no


me:  but, if they make you happy

that's not selfish?

Morty:  oh stop it. like you care

but no, not selfish

me:  I think I care. (ok.) like, I'm not sure how having a kid is anything but selfish

far more selfish than actually just finding someone who's already alive and making them somehow a part of your life

Morty:  i think basically it's just nice to have someone to get meals with

me:  haha. well, kind of, yeah

you're kind of just killing time together

Morty:  yeah

me:  I don't think it's much more complex than that

otherwise you're getting together for other reasons? (e.g., the Clintons)

Morty:  i'm worried that we're both going to disappear into the next world or something

me:  another world!

no thanks

Morty:  yes, there are very few power couples in the comedy world

me:  no, but I think that's what a marriage is: just someone you want to sit around with

Morty:  look, are you going to find me a wife or not?

me:  actually that's my ok cupid tagline or whatever

I can try to find you a wife

Morty:  good

me:  do you have minimum legs requirement?

is it negotiable?

Morty:  haha. two preferably. also two arms, two ears, two vaginas, etc.

me:  because one leg these days--one leg!

Morty:  ewww

me:  you know that old song: one leg per vagina...

Morty:  who am i, paul mccartney?

good song

me:  paul once actually asked me that himself

Morty:  lucky

me:  greatest day of his life

Morty:  of course

me:  I wonder if when a celebrity gets alzheimer's, can they remember themselves as celebrity after they've forgotten themselves as self?

Morty:  na

me:  all I’m saying is, it's worth signing your headshots while you can

Morty:  haha, jesus

me:  who knows?

it's like Pascal's wager

are you looking for a person/wife/wife-person?

the funny thing is: when you want a wife, you can't look for a wife

that's the oldest Chinese wisdom in the book

Morty:  yes. i generally feel better around women

fucking chinese

me:  haha

me:  alright

Morty:  agreed

me:  last question


what should I do with the impulse not to put out things into the world? it's paralyzing, especially for someone who's basically trying to do that for a living

sometimes saying or contributing anything seems so terrible. there seems to be so much, too much shit out there

Morty:  david, a comedy career is like a shark. it has to keep moving or it dies, and what we have here is a dead shark. anyway, i don't actually feel that you have a problem with that since you put out more stuff than most people i know. people i know who actually have a problem with that don't put stuff out there. if you want to tell jokes to drunk people for money instead of telling jokes to coworkers in an office than you will have to keep putting stuff out and stop this needless introspection about it. just put good stuff out, that's what matters

me:  I guess you pare it down. I suppose needless introspection. and, yes, good stuff

ok. thanks

me:  (that last line about putting out good stuff, too, is pretty much a Woody Allen line. when the aliens come down and tell him to just tell better jokes)

Morty:  haha, didn't realize that

me:  and, honestly, though, if I cut out some stuff, could I post this conversation to my site? I'm just thinking that it might be some neat new thing. we have podcasts now, which is oftentimes just a conversation between two people. this is the same, but in text, and might have a different appeal

Morty:  ha, i love that you're concerned about putting stuff out into the world and yet you want to put up a chat which is the most narcissistic thing in existence. don't everyone think the chats they have with friends are interesting, but i guess i'm okay with it. would need to see it first, i think

supposed to say don’t forget...

me:  well, but we're objectively funny people

Morty:  you know it!

me:  I'll run it by you. plus, I can give you an old Jewish name if you lie


Morty:  morty

me:  I might be M F!

I was going to be morty!

Morty:  no way!

me:  totally!

we can both be morty

Morty:  deal!

me:  perfect