me: hello?
anyway, you will send me something to make me feel better than all of the dep wine in the world or dep.
if we're only here to be happy, doesn't that make happiness seem a bit ridiculous? how're you supposed to enjoy happiness?
Morty: david, hello! trying to impersonate the uncle on seinfeld. i was going to send you an email telling you that i walked by a homeless person eating a burger in front of dick's (you loved that place!), and i guess i was staring too long, which i do sometimes, and he said, "what, you've never seen a homeless man eat his breakfast before?" anyway, i just kept walking but felt that i should tell you about it. you and i do talk about the homeless a lot
me: good, this is nice. so it seems like it's other people or something which makes life better. (and, incidentally--yes--I in fact have seen a homeless man eating a bag of dicks)
wait! get someone else to read you that last line
it can't be read!
as in "red"
well, oh, shit.
Morty: are you drunk? it's ok if you're drunk
me: I finished off last night's wine this morning, but, no, not drunk
Morty: aww
me: If I were drunk, would I be able to...be driving a car right now?
I took my logic
Morty: last night's wine is the album title
no driving!
me: oh, I had a good title the other day! all I write down now are the next album titles
can we talk about your rape here?
Morty: me too
me: is that ok to put online?
Morty: oh that's unfair!
now i’ve been flagged
me: I don't want to get you in trouble or nuthin
oh no!
Morty: as long as we can talk about your rape too
me: let's talk about each other's friend's respective rapes
Morty: our rape
yes, yes, i agree
me: I never agreed to share that with you
Morty: well, you can never tell with rape
me: is this like improv or can I just stop this now?
Morty: can stop anytime
me: sometimes I remember that if you stop trying it doesn't matter. then it gets bad
me: I wrote this joke about listing things that aren't funny. Then I list things. And then I say that it was in some way a rape joke.
Morty: i like it!
me: oh the album title:
It's ok to enjoy yourself
enh
also, for a tour, I was thinking: Fat Love Hope
Morty: you've no business using the word fat! but it works
me: or love or hope, really
thanks! I think it's a weirdo title and people won't know what to take from it
Morty: it hits all the demographics
me: do you want a partner or do you want to be single?
Morty: haha. what the hell kind of question is this?
is dying alone an option?
me: first, dying alone isn't an option. we all die alone
Morty: i know!
me: second!
it's a question that's come up from having an apartment to myself for two weeks and no shows in this city
Morty: did you order a wife for me for christmas?
me: a rental. she'll only offer affection, though. it's nothing sexual
Morty: boo
you suck at presents!
me: I kind of had this realization that what a comic does is go out every night and look for love and confirmation and recognition, when most people just get that de facto by walking in their front door every night
so, my point is, why not just get that de facto?
Morty: god that's a horrible thought
me: plus, you don't even know these people
what do you care what they think? you think anyone really cares what they think? you think they care what you think?
I've got three more rhetorical questions to complete my treatise
Morty: please stop
me: hahaha
why exactly?
Morty: i don't know
me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiiyq2xrSI0
because of the truth this idea holds?
Morty: fucking make me watch a video
me: haha
I was typing--I think this is the new form: I think that we're bringing back the dialogue. dialectic, Socratic method, everything
I feel it
Morty: hey, shut up! i'm trying to listen to this song
me: can I post this on my site as some sort of -- haha -- as if it's a piece or something? I'll redact your name or change it to a similar name
Morty: enh, this song is only ok. it works in the movie ghost, but i don't know
this conversation?
me: It's sort of, like, giving me something to put into the world under the guise of being a comic, without having really done anything
yes
but it would be for art and David's sake
sakes
art's
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWqax9iHfRU
Morty: i don't know, i can't have my name appearing next to word rape in google searches, not again at least
me: look! that never went so far!
it almost looks as if Elvis is jerking off two dicks at the piano kind of
Morty: haha. fat elvis
me: have you seen that video where fat elvis dies on top of Lenny Bruce?
Morty: link?
me: uuhhh....
Morty: let's have it!
me: I'll type it in!
Morty: k
me: nah, not funny enough
Morty: i agree
me: oh, George Carlin comes up
not funny enough
Morty: so predictable
me: haha
Morty: no accusation of rape, though
me: and what's a chained melody, you know?
that's what they were saying about Cosby
Morty: good point
well, carlin's dead. he's got that
me: right, like that Jimmy Saville guy
I thought that when all those hundreds of allegations came out after his death, it was a chilling lesson for anyone who hadn't committed any sexual improprieties
you miss 100% of the shots you never take
Morty: let me look up jimmy saville fucking hell
me: just don't send me a link
Morty: fucking wikipedia with their fucking fundraising
oh i remember that guy
ok
haha. to your earlier joke
me: thanks
Morty: 99 percent of life is showing up
me: is there tax on this?
Morty: i don't know. ask woody, that's where i heard that line
me: wait, but you never responded to my comment about comics are just looking for love
you just said it was a horrible thing to say and then moved on
Morty: yes, david, i am looking for love. jesus christ
me: hard to type you're laughing when doing that clapping laughing
but your work isn't looking for love
Morty: yes it is!
me: and it's not a gamble every night
Morty: many lines of work are seeking attention, and yes it is a gamble every time, but in a different form
me: right. I guess the idea's to have happiness elsewhere
Morty: yes, otherwise you put too much weight on the career thing, and then if that doesn't work out, you're fucked
see: every comic who's died
me: ergch.
Morty: yes, well
me: but some died with loved ones
Morty: some
me: but not many?
Morty: williams did
me: is that a terrible joke?
Morty: even hedberg, technically. had a wife
me: oh, you mean died prematurely?
Morty: no, i meant he had love in his life or something, but still destroyed himself
not sure what the joke is
me: right, right
Morty: now that i think about, i'm not sure how love play in
me: ?
that was half a heart
Morty: ah! i'm lost now in this conversation. we should be on the phone
me: I don't know. I like this
Morty: this is fine
i'm saying that perhaps finding love doesn't always help comics survive
me: wait--so your sort of starting out position is that comics are in terrible places?
Morty: not all. i always think of famous ones, but there are plenty who this doesn't apply to really, like seinfeld, gaffigan, regan, etc.
me: right. as a side note, I don't like any of those comics
Morty: so predictable!
i knew that
i do
me: I think I'm just starting to see the endpoint of being single. I think the older you get the less interesting it becomes
Morty: who is she, heti? and when is the wedding?
me: well, we broke up ten years ago. she's getting married next week
no, I have no idea
Morty: aww
anyway, i don't disagree with anything you said
me: ok
I mean, humans don't make much sense, and life doesn't make much sense, but, if human life, humans like other humans
me: it's not unethical to be in a relationship, is it?
Morty: what? no
sillyhead
me: but, if they make you happy
that's not selfish?
Morty: oh stop it. like you care
but no, not selfish
me: I think I care. (ok.) like, I'm not sure how having a kid is anything but selfish
far more selfish than actually just finding someone who's already alive and making them somehow a part of your life
Morty: i think basically it's just nice to have someone to get meals with
me: haha. well, kind of, yeah
you're kind of just killing time together
Morty: yeah
me: I don't think it's much more complex than that
otherwise you're getting together for other reasons? (e.g., the Clintons)
Morty: i'm worried that we're both going to disappear into the next world or something
me: another world!
no thanks
Morty: yes, there are very few power couples in the comedy world
me: no, but I think that's what a marriage is: just someone you want to sit around with
Morty: look, are you going to find me a wife or not?
me: actually that's my ok cupid tagline or whatever
I can try to find you a wife
Morty: good
me: do you have minimum legs requirement?
is it negotiable?
Morty: haha. two preferably. also two arms, two ears, two vaginas, etc.
me: because one leg these days--one leg!
Morty: ewww
me: you know that old song: one leg per vagina...
Morty: who am i, paul mccartney?
good song
me: paul once actually asked me that himself
Morty: lucky
me: greatest day of his life
Morty: of course
me: I wonder if when a celebrity gets alzheimer's, can they remember themselves as celebrity after they've forgotten themselves as self?
Morty: na
me: all I’m saying is, it's worth signing your headshots while you can
Morty: haha, jesus
me: who knows?
it's like Pascal's wager
are you looking for a person/wife/wife-person?
the funny thing is: when you want a wife, you can't look for a wife
that's the oldest Chinese wisdom in the book
Morty: yes. i generally feel better around women
fucking chinese
me: haha
me: alright
Morty: agreed
me: last question
maybe
what should I do with the impulse not to put out things into the world? it's paralyzing, especially for someone who's basically trying to do that for a living
sometimes saying or contributing anything seems so terrible. there seems to be so much, too much shit out there
Morty: david, a comedy career is like a shark. it has to keep moving or it dies, and what we have here is a dead shark. anyway, i don't actually feel that you have a problem with that since you put out more stuff than most people i know. people i know who actually have a problem with that don't put stuff out there. if you want to tell jokes to drunk people for money instead of telling jokes to coworkers in an office than you will have to keep putting stuff out and stop this needless introspection about it. just put good stuff out, that's what matters
me: I guess you pare it down. I suppose needless introspection. and, yes, good stuff
ok. thanks
me: (that last line about putting out good stuff, too, is pretty much a Woody Allen line. when the aliens come down and tell him to just tell better jokes)
Morty: haha, didn't realize that
me: and, honestly, though, if I cut out some stuff, could I post this conversation to my site? I'm just thinking that it might be some neat new thing. we have podcasts now, which is oftentimes just a conversation between two people. this is the same, but in text, and might have a different appeal
Morty: ha, i love that you're concerned about putting stuff out into the world and yet you want to put up a chat which is the most narcissistic thing in existence. don't everyone think the chats they have with friends are interesting, but i guess i'm okay with it. would need to see it first, i think
supposed to say don’t forget...
me: well, but we're objectively funny people
Morty: you know it!
me: I'll run it by you. plus, I can give you an old Jewish name if you lie
like
Morty: morty
me: I might be M F!
I was going to be morty!
Morty: no way!
me: totally!
we can both be morty
Morty: deal!
me: perfect